Love, Lust and a Child

The evening was the best..

Dark clouds, droplets of rain water rolling down the slanting red tiles, cool breeze accompanied by the fresh aroma of mother earth..Supriya was enjoying the evening with a cup of freshly brewed filter coffee with her best friend Rekha.

The conversation between them criss-crossed so many topics.. Over the conversation, Rekha could guess not all is well with Supriya.. She sensed something was seriously wrong behind the serene looking face..

Supriya resisted initially, finally relented.. She told Rekha about the unplanned pregnancy and the effects this child could have on her life…

Rekha immediately shouted, “Stop it! Never ever say anything more Supriya.. The child in your womb is hearing everything you are saying. You have no idea that all the words you say today will affect the child’s life”

With all the right she had over the friendship Rekha asked Supriya, “Is this child out of love (or) lust?”

Supriya was dumbstuck. She was blank..she didn’t expect this coming.. Slowly her eyes turned red, tears filled her eyes.. She couldn’t speak but she nodded her head in denial... and rushed back into her house….

That night as she went into sleep, Rekha’s words were lingering in her mind?

“Is this child out of love (or) lust?”

“Is this child out of love (or) lust?”

“Is this child out of love (or) lust?”

Slowly she went into sound sleep yet the question was still lingering.. the little baby in the fetus picked up all that her mother had been speaking and child in the womb had this question…


Am I a result of love (or) lust?... the little one started to speak.

“Am I a result of love (or) lust?…that will determine how I get to live my life..

Resting in this dark room inside my mother’s womb, I have heard my mother talk about how she was raised by her parents, my grandparents.

My grandparents moved to Canada where grandpa worked as a pilot. Inspite of work schedule, travel and trouble times they never gave excuses in raising their child. When it came to making a choice between child (and) career, grandma chose the former because even as a young parent she gave more importance to raising the child than raising money. She never had a nanny because she believed nothing could substitute what a mother could offer her child.” said fetus adjusting itself to restricted space within the uterus.

“They doted on their only girl child. Grandpa’s first addiction was his child. Second addiction was alcohol. I have heard that Grandpa used to drink everyday inspite of sermons from his wife. At times, the sermons of my grandma were so frustrating that he drank more.

One day, my mother as a little girl saw her dad stumble & struggle to reach his room. He puked all over the place. It took lot of effort to put him on bed. Next Morning, on demand from his daughter he promised he would stop drinking. She never believed him and thought alcoholics always lie.

But grandpa didn’t. He kept his words.

One day my mother as a little girl asked her dad, “Daddy, How is that you stopped drinking after you promised me?”

Looking into her eyes he replied, “Angel, a real man will always make his child happyJ

Tears rolled down their eyes as they hugged each other…

As it spoke the fetus was moved so much by grandfather’s words that it moved its hands & legs to the slight discomfort of its mother.

Slowly settling down the fetes continued speaking, “I envied my mother for having loving parents, who did everything to make their child happy.

Sure, my grandparents made love to love their daughter for life time.

For the 8 months I have been in this womb, I believed that all parent child relationships are hunky dory until I learnt about the heart wrenching story of Tinu.

Tinu, 6  years old kid was rescued from a cage underneath the staircase of his house. He was rescued but his survival chances are minimal. Without proper food he was skinny, all his back vertebrates and bones were visible, bruises were found all over his body.

Tinu’s parents well learned people belonging to upper society had caged their son ever since he was diagnosed with Autism, a condition with impaired social interactions and Verbal & Nonverbal communication. Tinu’s mother didn’t feed him what’s considered to be the most important food for any child, for reasons best known to her. Without minimal parental care he was dying everyday.

Tinu was suffering for the lust of two individual person of opposite sex.

What about the plight of other children who are suffering for no fault of theirs?

Chandra selling peanuts in beach, Rajee selling soft cloth in the scorching heat and little Samuel who is begging at railway station

Surely, these children are victims of Neglected parenting.. or should I say victims of parental pleasure?

Most of these children are raised by a single parent (or) their grandparents. Their dad (or) mom (sometimes both in their respective direction) left home to marry someone leaving their children to suffer. How cruel life could get for the little ones? They are being punished for no fault of theirs.

Sitting in this dark room in my mother’s womb and hearing such stories scares me. I fear coming into the real world.

Will I be raised like a princess (or) left alone to sell soft cloth.. may be my upbringing may throw more light into this.. until then this question will keep lingering in my mind…

Am I a result of love (or) lust?” said the fetus with its eyes rolling down with tears.

As a reader, you may be a child, newly married couple, loving father, doting mother (or) anyone for that matter, I want you to know that all that you say & do has an adverse impact on your loved one’s life.

Today you have a choice, you can be like those lovely grandparents who doted on their child (or) make the life of your loved ones miserable…

I would like to leave you with a note that I read in my mail today morning, “IT TAKES 2 MINUTES TO MAKE LOVE AND A LIFETIME TO PROVE YOUR LOVE”

Life Lesson from the Coffin

Date: 4th January 2013

Place: St. Mary’s Cemetery

Joseph, 70 year old man died of Cancer. All were standing around the coffin. Absolute silence engulfed the place. After offering flowers, near & dear one’s of Joseph closed their eyes to pray one last time for the departed soul.

As the prayer went on, John, Joseph’s Son had a strange feeling of someone patting his arms.

He opened his eyes and couldn’t believe what he saw. His dad, Joesph cladded in white suit was talking to him. He first yelled but no one could hear him except his dad..

“Son, I have never spent time with you yet I have a piece of advice to make your life beautiful.. Lend me your ears for sometime son..this is the last chance I have to speak to you“ said Joseph

“Born into a close knit family and being the only son, my dad & mom doted on me. Everything I desired was offered. Even during the hard days, they would move a mountain to give what I desired. They loved me so much. I loved my parents too for they went extra mile to keep me happy but I never expressed my love to them. During my years in high school I was introduced to Smoke, Drink & Stuff’s by the bad company. What started as a cool stuff soon became addictive. One day, while I was injecting myself with Cannabis, my mother tried stopping me. I couldn’t explain how much I wanted it. I pleaded her, I begged her, I warned her, she resisted...... I broke her head with a Beer bottle.

She collapsed. Soon she was on a pool of blood. I was petrified. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I ran away from that place for the fear of being prisoned.  That night I sat by the riverside & cried for the act I just committed. Did I kill the person I loved the most? What pained me even more was I never took a chance to explain them what they (parents) mean to me.

Years passed by and I found yet another Addiction, Your Mother’s love. When everybody chooses to see the bad in me she saw the good. One look into her eyes, I melted away son. If you are seeking a wife just like your mother, forget it! She was the best and not replaceable J.  Best part about her was she never put restrictions on me. I was still the bad ass who smoked weed and came home drunk. Yet she never complained. Instead she did something phenomenal. Day by day, Month by month she increased the dosage of love. I loved her but was always short of words & actions to express my love. You don’t believe it but I was made that way.

When you visit home for holidays, I wanted to take you out may be for a movie (or) weekend cycling (or) a walk by the riverside. But I never had the courage to ask you for it. We were never in talking terms for a long time and I admit that my ego never let me do want I wanted to do. The love for you was eclipsed by my God-Damn Ego.

You may think why I am rambling all these things to you today. Lying in the coffin listening to the words of praise you all have for me, I only wish I had a chance in real to tell you how much I love you all” said Joseph with tearing rolling down his eyes.

Joseph stopped for a moment, wiped his tears and continued,

“Up in heaven I will tell my Mum how much I loved her,

I will tell my wife how she is the best and will express all my love,

But today I want you to know this “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SON”

John, I haven’t left anything for you to inherit but I will be more than happy if you realize that “In Life, When you Love someone, it is better to show them your love than telling them”. This act of showing your love will change your life remarkably, this act of showing your love will result in strong relationship, and this act of showing your love will result in a world which is far better to live in.

Love you.. God bless You!

When do you realize a Person's worth?


I was waiting in the airport today to pick up one my good friend from Sri Lanka. The flight was delayed and just when I wondered how the next 30 minutes is going to go, I was lucky to witness one of the touchy moments in a person’s life.. This blog is all about capturing that intimate relationship between a Mother and her son.

Time: 8:45 AM

A lady in her early fifties, moderately built, draped in a green saree was anxiously glancing at the arrival schedules.. She was keenly waiting for her son’s arrival.

After her husband’s death, she had toiled hard to raise her son. Her life revolved around him. She saved every single penny to muster enough money to raise her son and fund his foreign education.

Now, It’s been two years since her son went abroad to complete his education. He is coming home to see his mother before boarding another flight to some other part of this world for work.

As time went by, the single mother was restless. She was in no mood to wait to see her son. Finally the most sought after moment became a reality. Her son stepped out of the airport in Jeans & T. Shirt. Seeing him after 2 years, she was all smiles. I could see a shine in her face. The son came out, Mother reached out. Both looked into each other’s eyes. A Deep silence prevailed. She spread her arms & hugged him tight. The hug was so tight that nothing could pass between them..not even air.. I was witnessing the sense of pride in the mother’s eyes & equally elated son. For the next 5 minutes, no words were uttered yet they spoke the unspoken language..LOVE… The overwhelmed mother kissed him on his forehead & cheeks. They moved towards the car holding each other’s hands..

Being a witness to this sight, I wondered what makes that Mother  & Son relationship special. There may be various reason but something that immediately stuck me was ”DISTANCE” . In relationship, at times we take the other person for granted, not realizing their true value unless they leave us. Husband & Wife, Parents & Children (or) any other relationship, I think at times distance is what makes us realize the value of a person. The days spent without them, the hours spent thinking about them and minutes spent with them keep reminding us about how much he/she is worth. Needless to say, It is only in the absence of people we realize their worth.

If you have come this far, then I have only this to say. Get in touch with your kith n kin, loved ones who mean a lot to you.. wherever they are, any country it may be, call them and the tell them what that Single Mother whispered into her son’s ears, “I LOVE YOU”.. because it is only in the absence of our loved one’s we realize their worth.

Why you don’t get the right Talent - A Must read for HR

Jagan had interviewed more than 30 candidates for a HR position. Either the candidates were not shortlisted or those shortlisted didn’t join the organization. Jagan was under tremendous pressure since the position has been vacant for more than 3 months.
Jagan is not the only one who goes through frustrating times in the process of identifying right talent. The war for talent is unprecedented and organizations’ today go all out to win the war. Today the opportunity cost of a critical position lying vacant is very high. However what Jagan like executives forget is that they are one of the reasons for not having quality talent in an organization.
In my 7 years of corporate experience in recruiting talent, here are few mistakes that recruiters make that I feel hinder a person from joining a company.
1.    Setting the bar toooo high
      The basic requirements listed in a job posting to perform a job have become very stringent & complex that not many people even qualify for applying a job. The requirements are of varied nature, be it qualification, experience, domain knowledge, specialized skills or all of them.

Recruiters should identify and look for 2 (or) 3 factors that would determine the success of a candidate in a role rather than expecting the candidate to meet 10 out of 10 criteria which is impossible for the majority.

2.    Intolerance to Grossly right answers
What if a candidate says, gravitational constant is 9.81 m/s instead of 9.81 m/s2 ? What if a candidate says value of “Pi” is 3.2 instead of 3.14?

While the answers are wrong, I am of the opinion that these small mistakes can definitely be corrected and should not be the sole reason for rejecting the candidates. While perfect answers are great, never underestimate those who get the grossly right answers too. One more chance may get the best out of them.

3.   Keeping the candidate waiting endlessly
    This is something many candidates go through. Organizations call the candidates for the interview more than once to attend various levels of interview. After patiently attending all the rounds, candidates are left     without any feedback. Trust me this is so frustrating.

If a candidate clears all the rounds, then decision should be made as soon as possible so as to get the talent aboard. Remember, an active job seeker looks for opportunities in more than one company. Organizations need to be quick in decision making to stay competitive in Manpower Recruitment. 
     
So dear recruiters, the next time you interview someone take utmost care in identifying critical success factors that defines a roles success accept the grossly right answers and please do not make the candidate wait endlessly for the results.

Leadership nuggets from my Area Governor term

Serving as an “Area Governor”, Division N, District 82, Toastmasters International during 2012-2013 was the best thing that could happen to me. I learnt more about People Handling & Leadership skills in this one year than in my 6 years of corporate experience and my MBA times. Here I am penning down few leadership lessons I learnt much of which makes sense when I look back today.

1.    Embrace New members into your team

As a leader, I always wanted my “CLOSE FRIENDS” in my team so as to accomplish my tasks easily J. I thought I could Leverage each one’s Strengths to full effect in short time. However early into my term, I learnt one of the profound lessons in Leadership i.e. “As a Leader one has to embrace new people who exhibit complementary skill sets into their team”. Having new members into the team not only excites them but it also helps us to sharpen our leadership skills.

2.    Getting rid of Layers of Communication

I tried to bring in a formal layer of communication to interact with the club members of my Area. The main idea was to transcend the information without bypassing the layers in between. However I soon realized that if I had to bring in Initiatives & Innovations within the short period of one year, this formal layer is not going to do any good. “As a Leader one has communicate directly with the members so as to understand their needs & wants”

3.    Let the EGO Go

 

Everyone has the urge to be best. In the pursuit of being the best, leaders become obsessive about what they do. These are the times when leader’s Ego takes precedence. It is no longer about performing but PROVING TO THE WORLD that “I” am superior. Thanks to my mentors, members and well wishers who guided me and helped me from falling into this trap. I learnt that “As a leader one should let go of their EGO as along as team’s performance takes precedence”

 

4.    Find opportunities to appreciate people

 

Charles Schwab, legendary CEO of Bethlehem Steel was paid $ 1 Million as Salary during early 1900’s. It was a mind boggling compensation then (Infact for me even today ;) ) His mandate was to help the steel company recoup the losses and turn profitable. How did Charles do it? He travelled around the factories motivating people, appreciating them for their work. He turned the company profitable through appreciating people though he knew nothing technical about steel production. Appreciating people is a powerful tool in the hands of a leader. It takes big heart to appreciate others. I learnt from Charles Schwab that “As a leader, it is important to find opportunities to appreciate people. When you do this sincerely, you will see magic happen in your team”

 

5.    Back the Appreciation with Statistics

This is an extension of the earlier point about appreciating people. Appreciating people in a group also has its own disadvantages. While individual/group may be happy about being recognized for their work, others in the team may feel let down for not being recognized for their work.

Consider this: Club A has 80 members, having average attendance of 25 for a club meeting in the last 1 year. Club B has 50 members, having average attendance of 40.

If you were to institute an award for High attendance ratio, which club will you choose? Club B, Right? When you put forth the statistics to the audience it will cause less heartburn among the members/clubs/Areas.

“As a leader, any recognition should be backed by Statistics to cause less heartburn among members/clubs/Areas without any bias”

6.    Focus on the problem not person

“When the going gets tough, the leader gets tough with people :)”

When things go haywire, human beings gets wild with others. He/She tries to fix the person responsible, accuse them, make he/she feel guilty. But does this solve the problem?. Nope. The way a leader reacts to haywire situations brings out the real person in him. It also talks volumes about his/her maturity levels. Instead of accusing others, it will be wiser to understand the root cause, fix the issue first to avoid further crisis and at leisure help the volunteer understand the gravity of the issue, explain how it could have been done better & coach them to perform better. “As a leader, I learnt that during a crisis, it is wise to focus on the problem not person”

7.    Avoid Decision that will make you lose sleep

You are bound to make decisions as leader. It doesn’t matter whether your decisions turn out to be Good (or) Bad. That is irrelevant. Toastmasters is a place where you can “Fail Safetly”. You don’t have to feel bad if decisions go bad. But you need to be cautious that you don’t take decisions with prejudice. Many members ask me how to make decisions without prejudice. I would like to give this simple tip I learnt from a Stalwart in the Industry. “As a leader, I learnt that any decision that makes you to lose sleep is a biased decision”. If you can go to bed happily and wake up the next morning without any guilt of making a biased decision, you are on the right path.

8.    Prepare the team for Long term

A famous saying goes like, “Managers work for today, Leaders work for tomorrow”. The main objective of every Area Governor is to ensure his/her club achieve the “President’s Distinguished Status”, highest recognition given to any Area by Toastmasters International for Superior Performance during their tenure. While working towards this goal, an Area Governor should also work towards making the clubs in their area self-sustaining by nurturing leadership amongst members both within the clubs & Area. This requires constant communication with members, share the best practices, coach them, show them the opportunities available and most importantly make them believe that they can make wonders for their club. When you infuse the confidence in them you inspire them to perform better. “As a leader, I learnt that while short term goals are important, one should also work towards long term sustenance of the club”

This list is not exhaustive, I will keep penning down my thoughts as & when I connect the dots pertaining to my Area Governor term.

If you get a chance to serve as any club officer, Area Officer, Division Officer or District officer, I would urge you to take it and serve the movement that has given you a lot. Don’t have doubts about your leadership skills. You may not start great but you will definitely end Great. That is the MAGIC of TOASTMASTER J